ALBANY, N.Y.—After a surge in people trying to join the Satanic Church in order to get a religious exemption for COVID-19 vaccine mandates, the church’s leaders made their stance clear in a recent press release: Anyone trying to claim an exemption on the basis of a belief in the devil should, well, go straight to hell—but only once they’re fully vaccinated.
Church spokesman Lawrence Gronkowski said that they believe that Satan himself would have been the very first in line to get the vaccine, even cutting in front of God. “Look,” Gronkowski said with a sinister but light-hearted chuckle, “you can’t be up to no good if you’re on a ventilator or dead.” He quickly added that for most followers of Satanism, the devil isn’t evil per se but instead represents individualism, pride, and enlightenment. “Sure, the Big Guy hates conformity, but he ain’t stupid. He’s obviously numero uno when it comes to being his own advocate, but he’s also smart enough to know a good thing when he sees it.” Gronkowski, who is fully vaccinated, concluded that not only would Satan himself have gotten the vaccine but that he would have mandated it for his demons, too. With a wry smile, he said, “It’s already hot enough in hell without a fever.”
