The Rapscallion

BRUCE LEE WRONG: BOARDS DO HIT BACK

HAN'S ISLAND—Carpenters who worked on martial arts legend Bruce Lee's last film, "Enter the Dragon," have revealed that Lee's famous saying that boards don't hit back was untrue: boards do…

WIND THROWS CAUTION BACK TO CONSPIRACY THEORISTS AT RALLIES

TOO MANY PLACES EVERYWHERE—Upset that far too many people are dying unnecessarily, the wind threw caution back to a group of conspiracy theorists decrying vaccines and masks at a rally,…

LOREM IPSUM: VETERAN WRITER FIRED AFTER BOSS SAYS HIS REVISIONS OF DUMMY TEXT WERE GIBBERISH

LOS ANGELES—After being given the impossible task of revising the ubiquitous placeholder text that begins with “lorem ipsum,” which is used solely for mockups, a senior writer/editor in the marketing…

“A CHRISTMAS CAROL” POSTMORTEM: SCROOGE DIED OF DIABETES, MR. TOPPER OF SYPHILIS (MAYBE)

LONDON—Just in the St. Nick of time, literary scholars and medical researchers from Oxford, Cambridge, and other top British universities released their findings on how several of the characters in…

CANDY WALKERS MAKING UP FOR SCARCITY OF CANDY CANES

NEW YORK—The candy walker, once considered a sugary flop, is in high demand this holiday season, with stores around the country reporting that it is more than making up for…

“WIZARD OF OZ” REMAKE A GO AFTER JUDY GARLAND COMES OUT OF RETIREMENT

LOS ANGELES—Complaining she’s been bored lying around like the Wicked Witch of the East, legendary actress Judy Garland has agreed to reprise her iconic role as Dorothy Gale in a…

BROKEN NEWS: ERIC CLAPTON SUES EVERYONE WHO HAS MEMORIES OF HIS PERFORMANCES FOR COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT

LONDON—Legendary guitarist Eric Clapton, already in the news for winning his lawsuit against a German widow who unwittingly listed a bootleg CD of one of his concerts for around $11…

BROKEN NEWS: FEDS SAY OLIVE GARDEN IS FRONT FOR MAFIA, CLAIM UNLIMITED BREADSTICKS ARE PROOF OF MONEY-LAUNDERING OPERATION

ORLANDO, Fla.—The federal government believes that the Olive Garden restaurant chain is a front for the mob and says that it has never-ending evidence to prove it. After a decade-long…

ON NEW EPISODE OF “PARTS UNKNOWN,” THE LATE ANTHONY BOURDAIN SAYS BEACHES AND VIEWS ARE SPECTACULAR IN HEAVEN—BUT FOOD WAY BETTER IN HELL (IF YOU LIKE SPICY)

ATLANTA—After an untimely passing three years ago that left his fans, friends, and family shocked and deeply saddened, Anthony Bourdain visits the afterworld in a special two-hour episode of his…

FRENCH CHEFS CONFIRM THAT REVENGE IS A DISH BEST SERVED COLD, LUST BEST WHEN RED HOT

PARIS—The saying “revenge is a dish best served cold” was confirmed by chefs from the legendary Le Cordon Bleu culinary school in Paris, France, who performed blind taste tests of…