SOLINGEN, Germany—According to a yearlong study published by a professor of metallurgy at Bergische Universität Wuppertal, the pen is definitely not mightier than the sword—unless, that is, it’s a sword pen, a previously unknown hybrid of the ancient weapon and the relatively modern writing instrument.
A renowned metalsmith and medieval weapons expert, Dr. Gunther “Löwe” Dietrich says that he has been taunted for decades by English literature professors quoting English author Edward Bulwer-Lytton, who is credited with the saying that “the pen is mightier than the sword.” With the sometimes reluctant support of his university, he says he was finally able to definitively—and, it is believed, at times, gruesomely—prove that the sword defeats the pen. He first ran computer simulations in which virtual opponents with the exact same skill level, except one was armed with a pen and the other a sword, fought to the death. “It was no contest,” he said. “Brutal, quick, and decisive, the sword every time.”
Knowing that his virtual results would likely still be written off by those who saw them as purely theoretical, he says he convinced his university’s review board that with the proper safety gear and protocol, he could safely host a full-contact combat tournament pitting the pen against the sword. He invited writers and sword fighters from around the world to compete. The results, which are published in the study, mirrored the computer simulations he ran: Even the writers with the sharpest wit were no match for the dullest of those who wielded a sword; in fact, the former often got cut off before they could even raise their pens to defend themselves. (Though he would not confirm it in writing, the tournament is believed to have had a few dismemberments and fatalities early on.)
The surprising exception, Dietrich says, was the sword pen, which he had never seen before. He recalls how a tournament participant, holding what looked like just an ordinary pen, surprised everyone by effortlessly slashing through her sword-wielding opponents. When an official checked her pen, looking for any irregularities, it at first looked like any other pen. But a third inspection revealed a small sword had been cleverly fashioned and camouflaged as the clip. Dietrich says that after the tournament many of the woman’s fellow competitors wanted her autograph but then thought better of it when she insisted on signing with the dual-purpose instrument.
