TAMPA, Fla.—The International Flat Earth Research Society held its annual fundraiser this past weekend, a time that precisely coincides with no known astronomical events. The society’s president and chief scientific officer, Daniel Plano, kicked off the fundraiser by giving a four-hour lecture on why he believes flatbread is indisputable evidence that the world is indeed flat. He then proceeded to bake a half dozen pitas, in anticipation of far exceeding the forecasted demand.
In his talk, Plano observed that flatbread is an ancient food, predating even a very, very stale bagel. He cited archaeological evidence of prehistoric flatbreads, dating back at least 14,000 years, found in the Middle East. Known for his signature flat tone when presenting, Plano’s voice rose when he observed that flatbread is unleavened—that is, unable to rise without the aid of, for example, yeast. He then argued that the earth must be flat because there simply is not enough yeast on the planet to make it rise, much less form a sphere, which he said his research determined is a geometric shape derived from the very modern, yeast-aided donut hole. He concluded by saying that even some pita companies supported him, though he acknowledged that his theory was definitely against the grain.
