BROKEN NEWS: ABOMINABLE SNOWMAN SUES YETI FOR $1 BILLION, CLAIMS TRADEMARK INFRINGEMENT AND COMPLAINS OF CULTURAL APPROPRIATION

AUSTIN, Texas—In an exceedingly rare sighting, the Abominable Snowman was spotted in federal court with his attorneys, who filed a lawsuit against outdoor products company Yeti Holdings, seeking $1 billion in damages for trademark infringement of his Tibetan name, “Yeti.” The suit also states that the use of that name without adequate acknowledgement constitutes cultural appropriation, as Yeti is a part of Sherpa folklore and is distinct from his relatives such as his first cousin (on his mother’s side) in North America, who goes by “Sasquatch” or “Bigfoot.”

Tenzing Allred, lead attorney for the Abominable Snowman, said, “He’s normally a very private person. He doesn’t like to be in the public eye at all. But after 15 years of seeing this company profit off his name, he’s had enough. However, we want to make it clear that he thinks they make some great products. In fact, he adores their Rambler mugs and has one of his own, which he found after a terrified mountaineer saw him and fled, leaving the drinkware behind.” Another attorney, who would only speak off the record, said that the Abominable Snowman, who recently celebrated his 138^th birthday, was hurt and puzzled that the company would use his name but not a likeness of his ruggedly handsome mug on their, well, Rambler mug. “He really sees it as somewhat half-assed cultural appropriation and a missed marketing opportunity,” the attorney said.

Outside the courthouse, through an interpreter, the Abominable Snowman said that as the last of his species, he will donate any award or settlement money to the Tibetan, Nepalese, and, in particular, Sherpa, peoples, who are relatively poor and have never intentionally commercialized or profited off him, at least not to the same extent as the Austin-based company that currently bears his name. He said that he had no idea he had become a brand until several years ago in the Himalayas when he almost bumped into a few climbers while he was out for a hike. As he hates all the fuss people make when they see him—and he refuses to sign autographs—he ducked behind a large boulder to avoid being seen by the group. But when one of the women yelled out “Yeti!,” he was afraid it was too late and he’d been spotted. However, when he peeked around the boulder at the climbers, he was shocked to see that all eyes were not on him but instead on their only drinking container (which he would later come to know and love as a Rambler mug) that had steam emanating from it in the subfreezing temperature, and he said he knew instantly that he was being exploited.